Famous Football Howlers

(supplied by Andy Jones). Thanks Andy.

Football Crazy?

These are genuine quotes and comments from the wonderful world of football which all go to prove that brains are not a requirement in sports circles.

'Never go for a 50-50 ball unless you're 80-20 , sure of winning it.' - IAN DARKE 'It's a case of him (Eric Cantona) losing les marbles.' - GARY LINEKER 'What I don't understand is how a Frenchman can be playing for Manchester United. He's not even from England.' - LORD DENNING QC 'It's like a toaster, the ref's shirt pocket. Every time there's a tackle, up pops a yellow card.' - KEVIN KEEGAN 'Welcome to Bologna on Capital Gold for England versus San Marino with Tennent's Pilsner, brewed with Czechoslovakian yeast for that extra Pilsner taste and England are one down.' - JONATHON PEARCE 'Lee Sharpe has got dynamite in his shorts' - STUART HALL 'Hagi has got a left foot like Brian Lara's bat' - DON HOWE 'Hagi could open a tin of beans with his left foot' - RAY CLEMENCE 'I'd like to play for an Italian club,like Barcelona' - MARK DRAPER 'I was in Moldova airport and I went into the duty-free shop - and there wasn't a duty-free shop.' - ANDY GRAY 'There's no width on the wings.' - ANDY GRAY 'If that had gone in,it would have been a goal' - DAVID COLEMAN 'It was a big relief off my shoulder.' - PAUL GASCOIGNE 'They (Rosenborg) have won 66 games,and they've scored in all of them.' - BRIAN MOORE 'Football's not just about scoring goals - it's about winning.' - ALAN SHEARER 'If you can't stand the heat in the dressing room,get out of the kitchen ' -TERRY VENABLES 'The new West Stand casts a giant shadow over the pitch,even on a sunny day.' - EVENING STANDARD 'What will you do when you leave football,Jack - will you stay in football?' - STUART HALL 'Steve Agnew is over this free kick - what do you think of the situation here,Steve Agnew?' - NEVILLE FOULGER (BBC Radio Leicester) 'We keep kicking ourselves in the foot' - RAY WILKINS 'I've got a gut feeling in my stomach...' - ALAN SUGAR 'I would not say that he (David Ginola) is one of the best left wingers in the Premiership,but there are none better.' - RON ATKINSON 'An inch or two either side of the post and it would have been a goal.' - DAVE BASSETT 'You don't score 64 goals in 86 games without being able to score goals.' - ALAN GREEN 'In football,if you stand still you go backwards.' - PETER REID 'Football today,it's like a game of chess. It's all about money' - NEWCASTLE UNITED FAN 'Nicky Butt,he's another aptly named player.He joins things,brings one sentence to an end and starts another.' - BARRY DAVIES 'The World Cup is a truly international event.' - JOHN MOTSON 'We are now in the middle of the centre of the first half' - DAVID PLEAT 'The lad got over-excited when he saw the whites of the goalpost's eyes.' - STEVE COPPELL 'Gary always weighed up his options,especially when he had no choice.' - KEVIN KEEGAN 'It's now 1-1,an exact reversal of the scoreline on Saturday.' - RADIO 5 LIVE 'Arsenal are quick to credit Bergkamp with laying on 75% of their nine goals.' - TONY GUBBA 'The lads ran their socks into the ground.' - ALEX FERGUSON 'We threw our dice into the ring and turned up trumps.' - BRUCE RIOCH '...and he crosses the line with the ball almost mesmerically tied to his foot with a piece of string.' - IAN DARKE 'It took a lot of bottle for Tony (Adams) to own up' - IAN WRIGHT (commenting on his team mate's admission of alcoholism) 'The spirit he has shown has been second to none.' - TERRY VENABLES (on Terry Fenwick's drink-driving charge) 'To be really happy, we must throw our hearts over the bar and hope that our bodies will follow.' - GRAHAM TAYLOR 'No-one hands you cups on a plate' - TERRY MCDERMOTT 'To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch.' - RUUD GULLIT 'The Saudis would struggle in Europe because of that problem with those prayers five times a day.You don't know if they're going to turn up for training.I'm being serious.' - DON HOWE 'He's chanced his arm with his left foot.' - TREVOR BROOKING 'They've come out at half time and gone bang.' - RON ATKINSON 'If ever the Greeks needed a Trojan horse,it is now.' - GERALD SINSTADT 'It's as if there's a magnet on the outside of the posts and bar.' - JOHN HELM 'He's passing the ball like Idi Amin.' - ALAN PARRY 'He's a schizophrenic of a keeper.' - BRIAN MOORE 'Everybody thought the Saudis were coming here as chopping blocks.' - BRIAN MOORE 'This is going to be a very long 30 minutes with 26 minutes left.' - BRIAN MOORE 'A peep, peep, peep, another peep, and that's it.' - BARRY DAVIES greets a final whistle. 'I never predict anything, and I never will.' - PAUL GASCOIGNE

'I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country.' - IAN RUSH 'There are two ways of getting the ball. One is from your own team-mates,and that's the only way.' - TERRY VENABLES 'I wonder if Manchester United are missing the absence of Bruce.' - BRIAN MOORE 'The referee has a reputation for trying to make a name for himself.' - GRAEME SOUNESS 'It's the end of season curtain raiser' - PETER WITHE 'They're still in the game, and they're trying to get back into it.' - JIMMY HILL 'What a debut for the young goalkeeper, as a striker.' - PETER DRURY 'Whether that was a penalty or not, the referee thought otherwise.' - JOHN MOTSON 'What did you say to Souness after the end of the final whistle?' - TONY GUBBA 'It was one of the best goals I've seen this millenium.' - TONY GUBBA 'Bruce,on his right foot, is still running...' - ALAN GREEN 'Signori has all the tricks up his book.' - RAY WILKINS 'There's no in between - you're either good or bad. We were in between.' - GARY LINEKER 'If in winning we only draw we would be fine.' - JACK CHARLTON 'Shearer could be at 100 per cent fitness, but not peak fitness.' - GRAHAM TAYLOR 'When the game kicks off, it's over.' - TOM TYRALL 'Cantona's expression saying the whole French dictionary without saying a word.' - BARRY DAVIES 'Some supporters have come down onto the pitch from over the edge of the upper tier.' - NEVILLE FOULGER (see above) 'My name is usually the one on the end of people's lips.' - IAN WRIGHT 'He has now got a scapegoat to hang his hat on.' - FRANCIS LEE 'All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed' - MITCHELL THOMAS 'Winning dosen't really matter as long as you win.' - VINNY JONES 'It was one of those goals that's invariably a goal.' - DENIS LAW 'He's put on weight and I've lost it, and vice versa.' - RONNIE WHELAN 'It's a case of putting all our eggs into the next ninety minutes.' - PHIL NEAL 'He'd no alternative but to make a needless tackle.' - PAUL ELLIOTT 'Tomorrow, the whole of Newcastle vs Manchester United.' - IAN PAYNE 'Give him his head and he'll take it with both hands or feet.' - BOBBY GOULD 'I'd say he's the best in Europe, if you put me on the fence.' - BOBBY ROBSON 'The opening ceremony was good, although I missed it.' - GRAEME LE SAUX INTERVIEWER : Which is your favourite commentary team,BBC or ITV? GRAEME LE SAUX : Sky. 'Cole should be scoring from those distances, but I'm not going to single him out.' - ALEX FERGUSON 'The long goal kick, and this could fall...' - GERALD 'not Issac Newton' SINSTADT 'Glenn is putting his head in the frying pan.' - OSSIE ARDILES 'I would have to be deaf not to read the allegations.' - BOBBY DOWNES 'I was playing cards and sleeping.' - TEDDY SHERINGHAM (What, at the same time?) 'We're not used to weather in June in this country.' - JIMMY HILL 'He went through a non-existant gap.' - CLIVE TYLDESLEY 'Peru score their third, and it's 3-1 to Scotland.' - DAVID COLEMAN (in case you're wondering,yes it is from the 1978 World Cup.) 'The ref was vertically 15 yards away.' - KEVIN KEEGAN (or,as Brian Moore once called him,'Keggy Keegal - sorry, Kevin Keegal') 'England now have three fresh men,with three fresh legs.' - JIMMY HILL 'With news of Scotland's 0-0 victory over Holland...' - SCOTTISH TV 'The Dutch look like a huge jar of marmalade.' - BARRY DAVIES 'A game is not won until it is lost.' - DAVID PLEAT 'I'm not disappointed - just disappointed.' - KEGGY KEEGAL 'Neil Lennon wasn't sent off for scoring a goal,and that's what annoys me.' - MARTIN O'NEILL 'Wimbledon are putting balls into the blender.' - RODNEY MARSH 'Sampdoria are real, but they can't play in the Spanish league with the other Real's.' - GRAHAM JOFFE (CNN) 'Last night, we were the best team on the day.' - ROY AITKEN 'He (Steve Walsh) is the type of player who will follow you to every end of the box.' - KERRY DIXON Goalkeepers aren't born today until they're in their late twenties or thirties.' - KEGGY KEEGAL 'Nowhere in Europe, especially the world...' - ALEX FERGUSON

Football Crazy?

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